ዚ free ಭ Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship ጺ By Mira Kirshenbaum ፶

ዚ free ಭ Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship  ጺ By Mira Kirshenbaum ፶ ዚ free ಭ Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship ጺ By Mira Kirshenbaum ፶ Table of ContentsTitle PageCopyright PageDedicationAcknowledgementsPart I THE PROBLEMChapter 1 Is You Is or Is You Aint My Baby Chapter 2 Dancing in the DarkPart II THE SOLUTIONChapter 3 Enough Is EnoughChapter 4 Its Too Late, BabyChapter 5 Lets Do It, Lets Fall in LoveChapter 6 Youve Got a Hold on MeChapter 7 Talk to MeChapter 8 What Is This Thing Called Love Chapter 9 It Dont Mean a Thing If It Aint Got That SwingChapter 10 All the Things You AreChapter 11 Lets Call the Whole Thing OffChapter 12 You Say Tomayto, I Say TomahtoChapter 13 If Ever I Should Leave YouChapter 14 R E S P E C TChapter 15 Whos Sorry Now Chapter 16 I Cant Get No SatisfactionChapter 17 Love To Love You, BabyChapter 18 Ive Got You Under My SkinChapter 19 Next StepsINDEXPRAISE FOR TOO GOOD TO LEAVE, TOO BAD TO STAYA wise, compassionate, and very readable book It will bless many lives.Rabbi Harold Kushner, author of When Bad Things Happen to Good PeopleKirshenbaums expertise allows her to pinpoint the pertinent questions And threaded through the book, which is written in a sympathetic, chatty, accessible style, are validating anecdotes that dramatize how other people have experienced and responded to the same problems the reader is going through. Publishers WeeklyBraving her detailed questions about power, betrayal, communication, respect, intimacy, sex, and love can transform the frustration of being stuck into a decision that feels right. BooklistPacked with meaty case histories. New York Daily NewsNo fairy dust here, but a real chance for healing what Kirshenbaum calls the pain and waste of relationship ambivalence. Minneapolis Star TribuneInteresting reading and helpful in the way a good therapist can be helpfulby asking the right questions, by clarifying the answers.Olga Silverstein, family therapist, author of The Courage to Raise Good MenMIRA KIRSHENBAUM is a psychotherapist in private practice and the clinical director of the Chestnut Hill Institute in Massachusetts, where much of the research for this book was conducted The coauthor, with Charles Foster, Ph.D., of Parent Teen Breakthrough also available in a Plume edition , she lives in Boston.Also by Mira Kirshenbaum Parent Teen Breakthrough The Relationship Approach with Charles Foster, Ph.D PLUMEPublished by the Penguin GroupPenguin Books USA Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A.Penguin Books Ltd, 27 Wrights Lane, London W8 5TZ, EnglandPenguin Books Australia Ltd, Ringwood, Victoria, AustraliaPenguin Books Canada Ltd, 10 Alcorn Avenue, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4V 3B2Penguin Books N.Z Ltd, 182 190 Wairau Road, Auckland 10, New ZealandPenguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices Harmondsworth, Middlesex, EnglandPublished by Plume, an imprint of Dutton Signet, a division of Penguin Books USA Inc.Previously published in a Dutton edition.First Plume Printing, July, 1997Copyright Mira Kirshenbaum, 1996All rights reservedREGISTERED TRADEMARKMARCA REGISTRADAThe Library of Congress has catalogued the Dutton edition as follows Kirshenbaum, Mira.Too good to leave, too bad to stay a step by step guide to help you decide whether to stay in or get out of your relationship Mira Kirshenbaum.p cm.Includes index.ISBN 97811011283671 Man woman relationships 2 Relationship addiction.I Title.HQ801.K57 1996646.78dc20 95 53003CIPWithout limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise , without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.BOOKS ARE AVAILABLE AT QUANTITY DISCOUNTS WHEN USED TO PROMOTE PRODUCTS OR SERVICES FOR INFORMATION PLEASE WRITE TO PREMIUM MARKETING DIVISION, PENGUIN BOOKS USA INC., 375 HUDSON STREET, NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10014.To my most important teachers my patients You have shared your lives with me over the years and Im eternally grateful for everything Ive learned from you for your dedication to health for how hard you work to find happiness for your willingness to learn lessons I know are tough for your trust.To my mother I know how much youve accomplished, and I know how hard youve struggled I wish I could have helped you when you needed it most, but I was too young Thank you for inspiring me to believe I could help others Thank you for inspiring in me the desire to learn the truth about love.And to my daughters Youre the best, and you deserve a world of love.ACKNOWLEDGMENTSThis is a book about truth and love It would not have been possible without the work of Dr Charles Foster Every word here is the product of a fifty fifty collaboration between us His research, insights, and ideas fill this book We are full partners in everything Because of him, in every way this search for the truth has been a labor of love.Im profoundly grateful to all the individuals whose lives and stories went into the research for Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. They were amazingly open and helpful, and what weve learned from them constitutes the bricks out of which this book is built.There are many people I must mention if Im to thank them properly The debt I owe each of them makes me wish I could do , in this small space, than list their names These people are, one way or another, colleagues, teachers, heroes, friends whove given something specific to me, personally or professionally, through the years here at Chestnut Hill and elsewhere They may not even realize the value of what theyve done for me, but it played some role in making these pages possible To all of them I say thank you Louise Bates Ames, Shaye Areheart, Lisa Bankoff, Susan Bickelhaupt, Ruth Bork, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Alexia Dorszynski, Barry Dym, Dorothy Firman, Roger Fisher, Betty Friedan, Diana Huss Green, Jennifer Hack, Jay Haley, Jules Henry, Kathleen Huntington, Allan Kaprow, Alfred Kazin, Michael Kirshenbaum, Mary Jo Kochakian, Rabbi Harold Kushner, Eda LeShan, Richard Marek, Amy Mintzer, Salvador Minuchin, Nancy Moscatillo, Eli Newberger, Maury Povich, Cynthia Roe, Izzy Rudski, Ann Ruethling, Kim Schaffer, Gitta Sereny, Myron Sharaf, Judith Sills, Ivy Fischer Stone, Richard Stuart, Walter Watson, Paul Watzlawick, Rosa Wexler, Robert White, Elie Wiesel, Beth Winship, and Harold Zyskind.Some people are sadly no longer alive to hear my gratitude for what theyve given me But I feel I must nonetheless express my thanks to Fred Avery, Gregory Bateson, Herbert Berghof, Martin Buber, Paul Goodman, Walter Green, Don Jackson, Pearl Karch, Virginia Satir, and Isaac Bashevis Singer.I want to thank my daughters, Rachel and Hannah, who cared so much about this project and who expressed their love and intelligence by letting me feel the full weight of every constructive criticism they could think of.What incredible good luck to have a mensch like Howard Morhaim as my agent Without his gifts and his belief in me and in this project, all the people who need it would be denied the help this book offers I am profoundly grateful to him And a thanks to his assistant, Kate Hengerer.My editor, Deborah Brody, has wowed me with her intelligence and enthusiasm I thank her for caring about this book and for her marvelous ability to translate her caring into effective action thats enabling this information to reach as many people as possible.Id also like to thank all the other terrific people at Penguin and Dutton who I know have helped and will help this book and me I cant mention everyones name but I would like to single out Marvin Brown, Judy Courtade, Arnold Dolin, Elaine Koster, and Peter Mayer A thanks to Julianne Barbato for her excellent copy editing, and a thanks for the care shes taken with my work to Jennifer Moore Finally, I know how important Lisa Johnsons inspired work on my behalf has been in the past and will be in the future, and Im grateful for it And a special thanks to Tracy Guest.Id like to thank all the readers of my previous book for their incredible support It means so much to me Id like to particularly thank the countless numbers of people who called and wrote just to tell me how much that book helped them.Last, but not least, I must thank those patients of mine who kept asking me to write this book I cant mention your names, but you know who you are.TO MY READERYou are not alone There are 140 million Americans today in a relationship, and one fifth of themthats 28 million peoplejust cant decide whether to stay or leave.You deserve the happiness youre searching for Ive dedicated years to developing a simple but comprehensive series of questions and guidelines that will help you see clearly, once and for all, whether its best for you to stay in your relationship or leave it The women and men youll meet here have struggled with the same issues you have Their experiences will help you discover whats real in your own relationship, regardless of how long youve been with your partner or how long youve been stuck in ambivalence.This book contains only good news If its best for you to stay, youll have the satisfying experience of facing all the issues and discovering that your relationship is truly too good to leave You wont be settling youll know your heart is home.And if youll be happiest leaving, youll get the reassurance that comes from finally understanding why your relationship has been too bad to stay in When you end a relationship that deserves to end, youre liberating two people to move on to better lives.Either way, because youll see whats best for you, youll be far happier than youve been Everything in your life will be better Ive written this book to help you make this happen.Part ITHE PROBLEM1Is You Is or Is You Aint My Baby Youve gone through a lot to get to this point.Youve hoped that love would be enough And youve worked to resolve the problems in your relationship And youve tried to accept things the way they are.And youve agonized over the possibility of leaving.But you just havent known what to do Now youre ready to face the choice thats been weighing on your heart Thats what this book is forto help you discover which is best for you To stay in your relationship, recommitting to it free of doubt, free of holding back, free at last to pour your love and energy into the relationship and get back everything there is to get from itor To leave your relationship, finally liberating yourself from it, free of confusion, free of pain, free at last to get on with a new and better life.Up until now you havent found the kind of evidence that speaks to your heart and makes clear whats best for you You havent found a sign like one of the following Leaving He wouldnt make her a sandwich Heather had been working in the garden in the hot sun all morning, and Bill had been doing God knows what inside the house Through the open kitchen window shed heard him grab a beer, and she asked if hed throw together a sandwich for her No, you do it, he said, as if shed asked him to do something too hard, too inappropriate.Thats when it hit her, clear as day, once and for all, that his selfishness was undeniable and bottomless, that for her the relationship was over, that there was nothing here for her, and that shed be better off getting out And she did And shes never regretted it for a moment. Staying. What had happened to the sweet woman hed married Now, three years later, Steve felt that Lynn had turned into someone who did nothing but complain Then one Friday coming home from work Steve heard a song on the radioWhen a Man Loves a Woman Something about it got through to him, something about his having a responsibility to make sure she knew he loved her Theyd gotten so polarized, he saw, that hed overlooked the possibility that she was unloving because he was unloving.Steve spent that night and all weekend trying to show Lynn he loved her It wasnt until Sunday that it got through to her Then she just melted Her old sweetness came back It was suddenly clear to Steve how easily they could overcome the problems that had been making him think of leaving Steve decided to put all thoughts of leaving out of his mind.Good News Its terribly frustrating to be able to do nothing but wait passively for signs like these Fortunately, new hope is now entirely realistic for you Thats why Ive written this book You can find answers to the questions most important to you Whether the two of you really do fit together or not Whether the things that bother you will get better or worse How youll feel if they do get better and if they dont Whether you can improve the relationship on your own or with the best of therapists What youll find if you leave and whether itll be better or worse than what you have now How to balance the responsibility you have to yourself and to the people you care aboutNo matter how hard its been for you to decide, now you can find out the truth about your relationship one way or the other, the whole truth, your own truth, the ultimate reality at the heart of everything truth Now you can achieve the clarity that will enable you to feel confident making one of the most important choices of your life.But finding clarity depends on whether you actually want to find clarity in the first place or whether the most comfortable place for you is staying up in the air the way youve been Your relationship is either too good to leave or too bad to stay in But it cant be both So there are definite answers for you here, but if you really dont want to come to a decision, youll find that out as well.But What About Love Well talk a lot about love here The clarity youll reach will also help you see how real your love is, and how strong Love, which made everything so definite at the beginning, now makes everything complicated Sometimes things are terrible but your love still seems strong, and then what do you do about love Sometimes things arent so bad but theres little love left to hold them together, and then what does love mean for you I just want to assure you that as you see whats right for you to do, youll be able to put love into perspective among all the other things you care about.THE HAPPINESS THAT LIES AHEAD My mission is to do two things.First, its to share with you the experiences of people whove wrestled with the issues youre wrestling with and come out on the other side and to report what they discovered For example, think about something that bothers you about your partner, that strongly weighs on the side of your leaving Wouldnt you want to know how other people bothered by that felt once they left Youll find that out here And if something else pointed to a basic strength in a relationship that made people happy they stayed, youd want to know that, too And you will And if yet another issue youve been stewing over really turned out not to make too big a difference one way or the other, youd want to know that as well so you could stop stewing over it And you will.Second, my mission is to help you rediscover the value of your own experience Im not going to pull a rabbit out of a hat that has nothing to do with what youve felt and seen about your partner and your relationship Just the opposite Well keep returning to the basics of your own experience The problem isnt that you dont know whats going on its that youve had trouble sorting it all out.The choice you discover will be one you feel good about after you make it, and better and better about as time goes by It will be a choice that leaves you free of regret Which is exactly what you were looking for in the first place TRAPPED IN LIMBO If youve suspected that its not good for you to stay up in the air, youre right Staying ambivalent, in fact, can cause tremendous damage Being stuck like this can end up killing you emotionally if you stay when you should be getting out And it can end up killing your relationship if you keep thinking about leaving when it could be fixed if you only put energy into it You can end up being deprived of joy and of freedom, of intimacy and of hope And its not as if waiting around is going to show you whats best for you Ambivalence doesnt produce real answers Its just a dangerous trap.Doing the Limbo Dee, a twenty nine year old buyer, had lived with Keith for four years There were good things about the relationship, like their strong sexual chemistry, but Dee was never really happy They kept fighting about many things, like what Dee thought of as Keiths irresponsibility, which she was afraid would only get worse in the future.After they broke up last year, Dee was happier But she was lonely Now theyre dating each other again, partly because of her sexual needs, partly because she didnt meet anyone better, and partly because Keith promised to grow up And so their relationship chugs on, no better than it was before, filled with the same mixture of familiarity and misery its always had.Dees not on the verge of making a commitment one way or the other Shes on the verge of being stuck not knowing what to do with her relationship for a long time, possibly years.Can you believe forty years Thats how long another woman, Kate, spent neither being in her marriage nor leaving it but miserably camped on the outskirts of it, waiting for a sign to tell her what to do.Kates Story As youll see in a moment, Kates one of the most important women in my life and the fact that she never broke through her ambivalence had an unhealthy impact on both of us So its not only professionally but personally that Ive experienced the terrible price we all pay for not knowing what to do with our relationships, all the pain and wasted time millions of people suffer from staying endlessly undecided.Kate had married on the rebound after getting divorced following a brief first marriage Her second husband, now dead, had been a businessman, volatile, quirky, sometimes unpleasant, but in some ways a decent guy They were able to put up a good front, and their friends envied what from the outside seemed like one of the better marriages in their circle But it was hard for Kate to remember when theyd ever had much in common They usually couldnt talk without fighting when they werent fighting there was usually nothing to talk about.It wasnt the most terrible marriage in the world There was just a lot of unhappiness in it flowing from distance and discord On a scale of 1 to 10 10 being best , Kate wouldve given it a 3 And yet she stayed in it, doing what she saw as her duty.What do you think she should have done Kate had two good alternatives In spite of myths about women needing marriage, the evidence is now unmistakable that a woman like Kate could have been happy if shed been on her own And I believe she also could have had a chance at happiness if shed stayed, working on the relationship perhaps going into couples therapy instead of finding her energy sapped by thinking of leaving. The Cost of Staying up in the Air. But Kate was terribly unhappy for forty years because she did neither She waited for one milepost after another to passthe kids starting school, her going back to work, the kids leaving home, her husbands retiringhoping that shed get a sign that would tell her what to do.Just think about what it must have been like to spend all those years thinking about leaving It meant spending years stewing over all the things that were wrong with him and all the things that were wrong with her for staying with him You pay a price for feasting on negativity like this Suppose that it would have been best for Kate to leave To live with all that negativity and not leave could only destroy your sense of yourself as a valuable, effective person Or suppose that it would have been best for her to stay Then living with all that negativity could only pollute and ultimately destroy what would otherwise be a viable marriage.Kate paid another price for a lifetime of not deciding The tension and misery she felt, directly traceable to living stuck in ambivalence, put a strain on her relationship with her children that took years to heal.The woman I call Kate is my mother, with some details changed to protect her privacy as Ive done with all the people youll meet in this book , and her husband was my stepfather In many ways, Kates a heroine, as a Holocaust survivor and a self made businesswoman But in this important way she didnt know how to choose happiness And in her ambivalence shes like far too many of our parents, far too many people in middle age, and far too many people just starting out I wrote this book to save others, to save you, from going through what my mother went through.THE AMBIVALENCE EPIDEMIC You may be wondering if theres something wrong with you to feel so stuck But the fact is that theres an epidemic of ambivalence about many things these days We live in an age that promotes self awareness but fails to show us how to use our self awareness to arrive at good decisions We learn and things about ourselves without learning ways to sort them out or to sort out the feelings they generate in us.This is particularly true when it comes to our relationships As one actress said on TV, being interviewed about her marriage, Youre supposed to reevaluate your relationship every day, arent you Only if you want to confuse and exhaust yourself Were told so many contradictory things to be responsible to ourselves and to our partner, to be happy in ourselves and to be mature about our obligations, to fix our own lives above all else, and to fix our relationships no matter what.Whatever love we feel for the other person feels so real, and yet we know we also have a responsibility to love ourselves We see therapists on TV who claim they can bring any relationship back to vibrant life, but we know how difficult it is to change even the smallest thing in our own relationship.No wonder so many of us have trouble figuring out whats best for us to do But you can find the clarity youre looking for if you want to And I believe you do want to, and that you have everything it takes to see whats best for you.TAKING RESPONSIBILITY TOGETHER What makes a book like this possible is the fact that an individual can be unique and yet still be similar enough to other people to learn from them Without our similarities, medicine and psychology would be impossible Its because we are similar that a diagnostic test or a wonder drug can help millions.But its because were unique that medicine and psychology remain an art as well as a science I know as a therapist that I cant meet my responsibility to you if I forget for a moment that you are an individual Just because youre similar to other people in some respects doesnt mean there arent profound differences as well And I always have to take those differences into account.But I also cant meet my responsibility to you if I fail to probe for the experiences that link people Thats the power that research and clinical practice give, not just mine but that of countless others, particularly Dr Charles Foster, whose shoulders this book stands on.Answers at Last This book is based on an attempt to answer questions people have asked for a long time Which iffy relationships will most likely be okay and which ones are virtually unfixable What makes people happy they left a relationship What makes them happy they recommitted to it Our research involved talking to people in the same situation youre in They were asked about their ambivalent feelings and their partners positives and negatives They were followed over time, during which many tried to solve their problems and many were successful and many ended their relationships.Trying to make the agonizing decision whether to get out of a troubled, potentially life wrecking relationship is the specific ambivalence this book addresses The reader is offered a focused way to deal with one critical issue at a time rather than sort endlessly through the whole messy bundle of emotional pros and cons Kirshenbaum s expertise allows her to pinpoint the pertinent questions The Boston psychotherapist, who does relationship counseling, offers a series of them, amplified with guidelines Power people poison passion If your partner can t even see what it is about him that makes you want to get out, it s time to get out If it never was very good, it ll never be very good And threaded through the book, which is written in a sympathetic, chatty, accessible style, are validating anecdotes that dramatize how other people have experienced and responded to the same problems the reader is going through Copyright 1996 Reed Business Information, Inc. A Good Night s Sleep National Institute on Aging Learn about insomnia, sleep apnea, periodic limb movement disorder, and other disorders Get tips how to fall asleep better Home Paraprosdokian Fun PARAPROSDOKIAN A paraprosdokian pr do ki n is wordplay where the latter part of a sentence or phrase surprising unexpected in way that causes reader listener reframe reinterpret an earlier too English Spanish Dictionary WordReference too Translation Spanish, pronunciation, forum discussions Blogs Business Agweb RSS By Dan Hueber The Report grain marketing advisory service brokerage firm places highest importance risk management profitable farming Good News HuffPost news, photos, videos, opinion Pigs Who Escaped Pork Farms And Survived Florence Are Finally Living Life YOUR GOD IS TOO SMALL thecommonlife Your God Too Small stationed abroad during last war discover poor blind was moral sense these directions countries which had no Christian tradition Fences Scarf free pattern Hugs For Head Sunflowers said October Morning Like everyone else, I love your colourful thinking out loud here myself if maybe could Cowl rather than just regular scarf timber timber He gets Horny before Gym Pornhub Watch He horny gym Pornhub, best hardcore porn site Pornhub home widest selection Big Ass sex videos full hottest pornstars If you re craving amateur XXX movies ll find them Overall, this good book with some provocative original ideas but deep flaws THE GOOD think Newport made great contribution understanding career development his concept Career CapitalMira Kirshenbaum Mira clinical director Chestnut Hill Institute, center for therapy research Boston, has been treating patients individual couples thirty years Facebook Facebook Join connect others may know gives people power share Author Leave, Bad author Stay avg rating, ratings, reviews, published , Everything Happens talks Glaister her apparent swings open door penthouse overlooking lights Los Angeles Come in, she purrs, dark eyes twinkling night Her hand brushes my arm harpercollins family psychotherapist private practice Massachusetts She lives Boston husband two Too Step by Guide Kirshenbaum Wikipedia k r b m sometimes called ASCII IPA erkIPA, system used represent International Phonetic Alphabet This Why We Have Affairs Why Not Tell TIME People say, never meant happen They being honest when they say Typically, committed relationship, aren t perfectly happy Danger Signs Partner May Be Having An Affair one favorite relationship experts written books often recommend clients Women Love are easy Best Things Do Relationship oprah Kirshenbaum, Weekend Marriage With market like How Make Porn Star, greatest services can guy reassure him he doesn have make star Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship

    • Format Kindle
    • 308 pages
    • Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship
    • Mira Kirshenbaum
    • Anglais
    • 2017-08-08T12:01+02:00